Madame Vulture
by DevilShoes
Summary: Madame Vulture is the Hogwarts Agony Aunt. No problem is too big or too small. But just what problems do our favourite residents have? And just who IS the mysterious Madame Vulture anyway?DracoHarry
1. Saturday

OWL POST

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and have nothing to do with it.

Notes: God, I haven't posted anything new for ages! I really like this fic, and I'm gonna do a couple of chapters until the identity of Madame Vulture is revealed.

Please review!

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

I had the dream again last night. I just don't understand it.

What is happening to me!

This time it was different though. I think this _illness_ is getting worse. It must be. I just _can't_ get that wretched bastard out of my head! It's driving me insane!

This time, it was more… intense. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, but I just can't help it. This morning I felt like killing myself, just so I wouldn't wake up.

We were in the Room of Requirement, the same room where the secret Dumbledore's Army meeting were happening last year. It began with a group of us, like usual. We all seemed to be friends, but I kept noticing him looking at me in that delectable way of his. And so I kept looking back, blushing. I _never_ blush. That goes to show the true extent of this… _illness._

Anyway, the rest of our friends disappeared and we were left alone. He was talking like he craved me. I knew I craved him. One thing led to another and we were suddenly having mind-blowing sex on the sofa.

Afterwards, neither of us wanted to let go, both of us just lying together.

And then I woke up, and now all I can think about is that arrogant moron.

It can't go on like this. But how can I make it stop? I can't believe I'm in love with Harry Potter.

I hate my life.

**Draco Malfoy**

**Draco, **

This has been going on for quite some time, now. When you first wrote to me, I thought it was just a crush, but I think you need to try and take a hold of the situation. Are you sure you haven't been put under some kind of spell?

**Madame Vulture**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

I just want to make clear that writing to you is completely out of shear desperation. I can scarcely believe that I have lowered myself to this level, but I have no idea what to do. Plans A, B and right through to Z have failed miserably and now I need your help.

I can't believe I'm about to divulge this to you, I don't even know who you are! Although, nobody seems to, which makes your identity the longest running secret in Hogwarts history.

Anyway, I digress, the heart of the matter is this: about a month ago, I was sat alone in my office, marking papers when I heard an unfamiliar sound. Being of curious nature, and with five glasses of whiskey as my courage, I stepped out to investigate.

A minutes walk down the corridor, I came across an obscure muggle object that was playing some kind of muggle music out of two little pods on string. I took it back into my office to inspect it and after a great deal of time and whiskey, I found that the two little pods were to place in ones ear.

After hearing the first few songs, I became infected with the mesmerising lyrics, 'My loneliness is killing me, I must confess, I still believe…' but now it's become an obsession. I find myself teaching classes humming along to such songs as 'The Heart Will Go On', 'Papa Don't Preach' and 'I Will Survive,' which I find particularly empowering.

What should I do? If anyone were to find out, I could never show my face again.

**Sincerely,**

**Minerva McGonagall**

**Minerva,**

I'm glad you felt you could turn to me, and rest assured, no being at Hogwarts will ever learn my true identity. I think it's important to remember that your infatuation is not hurting anyone but yourself and so only you can gain from giving it up. Perhaps you could send it me? I must admit I am intrigued to discover how a muggle object could work in the grounds.

Here is what we'll do, Minerva: send me the object when you receive this reply and I shall return it to you should you write to me three more times, asking for it back.

Only then will you learn how to function without this addiction.

**Madame Vulture**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

It's me again! The advise you gave me on that red lipstick really worked, thank you!

But, I'm writing about something way more serious now: there's a guy in Ravenclaw that Parvati really likes called Terry Boot and I figure that going out with him will be the perfect way to get back at her for doing better in that Divination exam.

Typical Parvati, she still won't admit to copying me on question 14.

Anyway, what do you suggest?

**Your Biggest Fan, **

**Lavender Brown**

**Lavender,**

Do you really think that this is the way to get back at Parvati? I mean, you two have been friends since like, _forever_, it would be a shame to through the relationship away just because of a silly little test. Maybe its time for you to be the biggest person and forgive Parvati?

P.S. A little bird tells me that Terry Boot is more of a Unicorn that a Hippogriff, if you catch my drift?

**Madame Vulture**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

Is it true that the second floor girls bathroom is haunted?

**Yours, Colin Creevey**

**Colin,**

Yes,

**Madame Vulture**


	2. Sunday

**NOTES:** Must say, I love writing this fic! It's so much fun! I've written about half of it so far, but any ideas on problems are welcome. Please don't be put off by the increasing amount of mind - blowing sex or 'one thing lead to another' but we all know what's written in advise coloumns.

Please Read & Review.

**ENJOY!

* * *

**

**Sunday**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

Please find enclosed one… _thing_; the cause of all my problems. Maybe now I'll be able to concentrate more on grading papers. I accidentally graded Ron Weasley as an E this morning, thank god I noticed before lessons tomorrow.

**Sincerely, **

**Minerva McGonagall**

**Minerva,**

Congratulations on making the first step. Now, remember, I shall only return this object to you if you write and ask three times. I wish you all the best.

**Madame Vulture**

* * *

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

I had the dream again last night, only this time it involved whipped cream.

I need to get a hold of myself. I'm dreading lessons tomorrow, I don't know if I'll be able to control myself if I see him in person. I've been thinking about what you said about taking a control on the situation, but I can't see what I could do.

Unless… Terry Boot's supposed to be gayer than the house elves… I suppose… no. No. That is way too drastic.

I'm probably just blowing this out of proportion. I mean, I've stayed in the common room all day today and hardly saw the pretentious git yesterday, I bet once I see him, I'll wonder what all the fuss what about.

**Draco Malfoy**

**Draco,**

I'm glad to hear you're talking so positively about the situation, and you know, I'm always here to advise. The important thing to remember is that even at the age of sixteen, your body is still an adolescent mess of hormones. This is just a phase. Nothing to get so stressed about. Keep clam and it'll probably disapparate in a day or two.

**Madame Vulture****

* * *

**

**Dear 'Madame Vulture',**

I overheard a few girls in the dormitory talking about advise from that they had received from you, and just exactly who you were. Neither girl had any idea, although I did learn something new about Terry Boot.

Anyway, firstly, I must congratulate you on your success on keeping your identity secret, it must be the most successful secret Hogwarts has ever had. Secondly, I was wondering whether you could let me onto the teensy little secret as to who you are.

I promise that you would be telling me confidentially and merely just to put my inquisitive mind at ease.

**Yours Gratefully, **

**Hermione Granger**

**Hermione, **

I know your intentions are good, sweet girl, but curiosity killed the cat, and you might do well to remember that.

**Madame Vulture

* * *

**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

I've been living a lie for quite some time now and I think I've finally realised that it has to stop. I can't carry on lying to my friends: they're starting to notice. I value their friendship so much and I wouldn't be able to stand it if they abandoned me.

But how would you react if your best friend told you he was a nudist?

I just wish I didn't feel this way, it feels so… wrong, and yet so liberating. Just to feel so… _free_.

What should I do? Should I carry on this with pretence and continue to lie to the people I love, or should I tell them the truth?

Is there anyway I can stop feeling this way?

_Please_ help me,

**Desperately, **

**Ron Weasley**

**Ron,**

Plenty of people experiment with nudism at your age, it's completely natural. I, myself, have dabbled in the dark art of public nakedness once or twice, but the important thing is not to let this overcome you.

I think that you should tell your friends, and if they are true friends, they'll stand by you, but be wary of who you tell, some can be less than understanding.

**Madame Vulture

* * *

**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

It's me again! Thanks for that advise about Terry Boot, I'm so glad I didn't try to seduce him, and looked like a complete idiot! Phew! Apparently a lot of other girls knew he was gay, too, even Parvati. I can't believe she didn't tell me! Even after I told her about Hannah Abbott's new boyfriend!

She's so out to get me, I don't know what to do. She even started sitting next to Ginny Weasley at dinner, just to spite me.

What should I do? I can't believe how horrible and two - faced she's being. I hate her!

**Your Biggest Fan,**

**Lavender Brown**

**Lavender,**

Even though I can see your point, Lavender, I really don't think petty squabbling is the answer, do you? We both know how shallow and superficial Parvati can be, why don't you try being the bigger person?

**Madame Vulture

* * *

**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

I've decided that maybe I was being too hasty by sending you the object I found. I mean, 'addiction' is such a strong word, we were far to hasty to use it. So, I was just wondering whether you would kindly consider reply with my mysterious muggle artefact.

**Sincerely, **

**Minerva McGonagall**

**Minerva,**

Now, now, you remember our agreement: three times. This is just the relapse talking, you'll be fine by the end of the week. Just be strong now and keep yourself together. Remember, I'm always here to help.

**Madame Vulture**


	3. Monday

**NOTES: **I love this fic so much! It's so much fun! This chapter, I've added another on-going problem in the form of Seamus' letter. I'd also like to apologise for those who think this is very smutty, but the original idea was to mock the letters that make up advise coloums anyway, so the letters are bound to be desperate. Hope I'm not offending anyone.

Please Read & Review

**ENJOY!

* * *

**

**Monday**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

I know I've never written to you before. I've never written to any Agony Aunt before but something is really puzzling me and it's rather quite serious.

I noticed on Friday that Draco Malfoy was looking at me a bit… strangely. I tried to dismiss it, but then my friend Hermione said she'd noticed it too, which got me thinking as to why he was staring at me like that. It was a really sinister sort of stare and I kept catching him looking in my direction throughout breakfast the next day.

It sounds paranoid, but I think he's plotting something, and it's getting me quite nervous. It happened too many times today for it to be just coincidence, and he even moved to sit closer to me in Potions. As of tomorrow, I'm going to be on guard at all times. Even just at mealtimes or walking between classes, I'm going to make sure my wand is accessible at all times.

Is there anything you suggest? I need to find out what he's planning before he acts on it, but I have zero information, and you have it all.

**Harry Potter**

**Harry**

I'm afraid I can't give you any information that might help you. When I began giving out advise to the troubled students, (and teachers) of Hogwarts, I vowed never to divulge personal information to anyone other than that person.

However, I think that you are an intelligent young boy, who should know that violence never solves anything.

My advise to you would be that by all means defend yourself should the situation arrive, but don't go looking for trouble.

**Madame Vulture

* * *

**

**Dear Madam Vulture,**

I need some advise on quite a personal matter. You see, I'm quite an attractive fifth year and recently I've found myself getting a lot of male interest. The first time something like this happened was when I met Michael Corner. I noticed him in a Herbology lesson, and we began working together in the greenhouse. He introduced himself, and then one thing led to another, and we were suddenly having mind-blowing sex in the Astronomy Tower.

But since then, I've found myself having as many meaningless flings as Terry Boot.

I always wake up the next morning feeling so miserable and unhappy, but I can't seem to be able to take control of myself.

Last night, I even found myself snogging Neville Longbottom in the kitchens, surrounded by several perverted house elves.

What should I do? I don't want to carry on like this, but at the same time, I don't feel I could commit to any kind of long term relationship.

**Please Help,**

**Ginny Weasley**

**Ginny,**

This is not an unusual problem at your age, though I admit, this doesn't make it a less than serious problem. The main thing is that sooner or later, this lustful past will catch up to you; perhaps when you are in a long term, stable relationship, or even when applying for a high profile job in the Ministry of Magic. And sooner or later, you're going to make quite a name for yourself. Most of the boys you find yourself with are mostly using you. Or worse, you are using them. Try to ask yourself, what do you gain from doing this?

**Madame Vulture

* * *

**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

It's me again! Parvati has been being completely nice of late - the treacherous bitch. Everyone else might not be able to see through this little act, but I can. I know what she's like. She's probably just biding her time, trying to recruit more people to help her in her life mission: to destroy me.

I swear, she can be so self involved sometimes! Trying to make everyone like her. It's so ridiculous! Take dinner today for example, she was sitting next to Ginny Weasley, laughing at everything she said, and she even offered to lend her some books for her homework. She's so annoying! I hate her!

I mean, she _says_ that we're still as close as always, and she even suggested that we hang out more. Of course, I declined as politely as possible. (I smiled sweetly and told her that unfortunately I had come down with a sever case of the runs and would be unable to do anything that involved movement after lessons. I think she even believed me, the daft bint!) But, really, I know what she's up to, she's just trying to study my every mood, trying to work out when would be best to strike.

Well, two can play at that game, I'll pretend I've got the runs right up till Christmas if I have to!

**Your Biggest Fan,**

**Lavender Brown**

**Lavender**

I'm sorry my dear, but what exactly was it you wanted advice on?

**Madame Vulture

* * *

**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

I am a mature, successful woman with a very active and diverse social life. So why don't have I have a long term relationship!

It's been ten long years since my last _successful _relationship (which doesn't include that smarmy, good-for-nothing, lecherous husband, the bastard) and I need help on what I'm doing wrong. You see, I like to think of myself as quite a confident female, but when it comes to men, I just seem to turn to fertiliser. I can't even string a sentence together, and even if I do, it's definitely _not_ something I _want_ to say.

Please help, a colleague of mine has set my up on a blind date for the weekend and I'm horribly nervous. She told me he was a lovely chap and a fellow divorcee. Although, she has started acting strangely recently, and is now humming so frequently it just can't be ignored, so maybe her judgement isn't at it's peak right now.

Can you help me?

**Thankfully,**

**Pomona Sprout**

**Pomona**

It's happened to us all, hasn't it? I'm afraid that the dating scene is still a cruel a bitch as she always was, but that doesn't mean that the lovelorn and wary among us shouldn't go in with a negative attitude. I assure you that a positive attitude will do wonders; it will relax your date and encourage him to open up more easily. And remember - dating is about having a good time just as much as it's about finding Mr. Right, so make sure you enjoy yourself.

I'm also sensing a bit of bottle up anger over your ex husband? Perhaps you could work on that, though I doubt it's anything likely to ruin your date.

Good Luck!

**Madame Vulture

* * *

**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

I'm so confused I don't know where to turn, I think I might have accidentally destroyed the best friendship I've ever had, and what's worse is that now I think I could be gay.

I don't know what to do - it was completely accidental but now I don't know how to act and how I should feel about what I saw.

The thing is, the other night, I accidentally saw Dean in the shower. No, I guess it was only a matter of time before something like this happened with five boys sharing one bathroom, but it was a complete shock. And, the worst part is, I think I liked what I saw. I've never had any kind of feelings like this for another boy before, least of all Dean, but now I don't know how to act around him.

I never realised he was so buff or so… - you see! Listen to me! Even when I'm writing I keep thinking about it. But what do I do? Can I really discover any possible gay sexuality just by an accidental look in the shower?

I think he's starting to notice, too.

What should I do?

**Desperately,**

**Seamus Finnigan**

**Seamus**

This is completely normal for boys your age. It's important not to label yourself. And if you really never have had any sexual feelings about boys before than you probably aren't even gay. And don't worry about your friendship, you should just explain to Dean. I'm very sure he'd understand. He might even have gone through the same thing. You'd laugh if you knew how common it was. Remember: I'm always here to help.

**Madame Vulture**


	4. Tuesday

**NOTES: **I'd just like to say that I'm very happy whilst posting this. After almost five years of never being sent home from school, this is the second time this week that our school has suffered from an electric fault, resulting in us all going home! And it's only Wednesday!

Anyway, please enjoy this latest chapter and please do tell me if you have any inklings who Madame Vulture might be, I'd love to hear them incase the ideas are better than mine! And, please read & review.

**ENJOY!

* * *

**

**Tuesday**

**Madame Vulture,**

Yesterday was my first full day without that wretched little music machine. The day went fine, brilliant, in fact.

So this is what I say to you:

It took all the strength I had, not to fall apart

And tried so hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart  
And I spent oh, so many nights just feeling sorry for myself  
I used to cry, but now I hold my head up high  
I will survive. I WILL SURVIVE!

**Sincerely,**

**Minerva McGonagall**

**Minerva,**

Good for you, I'm very proud of the strength you're showing. Keep it up. And remember, if you need me, I'm here.

**Madame Vulture

* * *

**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

It happened again last night. No sooner had I sent my letter off to you than I met Dean Thomas in the Owlery. One minute, he was oh-so-casually asking me the time - the next, we were rolling around on the Owlery floor in lustful ecstasy. We continued to romp amongst the straw and droppings until we were disturbed by a now very disturbed first year. We hurriedly put our clothes back on, and left without another word.

However, later, I saw Dean talking very smugly with his friends about something. I can only guess what it was. My brother and his friend were both looking some-what distracted: my brother Ron was itching uncomfortably in his clothes, whilst Harry seemed slightly on edge - he punched Lavender Brown in the face when she tapped him on the shoulder to talk to him.

I couldn't live with myself if either of them found out what happened. Should I trust Dean to stay quiet or should I risk talking to him in person, when that could full well end in more lustful shenanigans?

**Please Help,**

**Ginny Weasley**

P.S. I think that Parvati Patil is coming on to me, she won't leave me alone. What do I do?

**Ginny,**

If you really find that you cannot trust Dean and that you cannot talk to him yourself, another option might be to tell your brother and his friend in person. That way, you can tell them the truth without them hearing twisted details on the grapevine. You could also show them how sorry you are and how foolish you have been. You might even find them willing to help you.

And I would suggest that you don't do to Parvati what you did to Dean.

**Madame Vulture

* * *

**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

I've suddenly found myself in a purely sexual relationship with a fellow student. It's not the first relationship of this kind I've been in, because, being an openly gay student, I do get quite a few inquisitive minds.

I have been having mind blowing sex with this guy for just a few days now and it's magnificent. The sex is fantastic, almost the best I've ever had (God rest his soul, poor Cedric) but there is just one problem.

My 'partner' likes me to participate in role play, which is no problem, as I love the drama and the theatre, but I find his requests more and more worrying. At first, it was just a simple task of actingoutcatching the golden snitch. Simple enough - great sex followed. But last night, he asked me to perform the act fully robed, and when I'd looked, he had bewitched them to be the Gryffindor house colours. And when I woke this morning, I found a suspiciously familiar-looking mark on my forehead.

And now, the guy mentioned about producing a fully - fledged patronus for him.

What should I do? The sex is amazing, but the guy is obviously into some very kinky shenanigans. I don't want to lose him, but why can't we just have sex normally?

**Terry Boot**

**Terry,**

Fantasies like these are completely normal, especially at your age. This might be something that he may just grow out of, but are you sure you want to continue a relationship that is purely based on sex? It's bound to end in heartbreak, and possibly, in this case, emotional trauma. Perhaps it's time you found yourself a lovely relationship where you and your partner care about each other.

**Madame Vulture

* * *

**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

Thanks for the advise you gave me yesterday but it still hasn't helped me get the memory of what happened out of my mind. This morning at breakfast, Dean asked me if there was anything wrong and asked about my strange behaviour, but he seems momentarily occupied with something that happened between him and Ginny Weasley. The thing is, I keep thinking I'm giving out 'gay' signals. Am I being paranoid? I've tried to avoid all the major deathtraps like eating lollipops or sausages but I still find myself accidentally looking at Dean's chest or things like that.

What if someone notices? It's driving me insane, I've become a nervous wreck. Please help.

**Desperately,**

**Seamus Finnigan**

**Seamus**

This is still completely normal for someone of your age, no matter how you blow you it out of proportion. And remember, even if you _are_ gay, which I doubt you are, there isn't anything wrong with that, so try to stay calm. Have you tried talking to Dean at all?

**Madame Vulture

* * *

**

**Dear 'Madame Vulture',**

I just thought I should let you know that tomorrow, I intend to go to Professor Dumbledore about this whole farce. Let's face it: no one in the entire school knows just who exactly you are and yet they are writing to you with their personal problems. Who is to know that you aren't a Death Eater deducing an evil plot that involves Hogwarts' students' personal information? And so tomorrow, I intend to speak with Dumbledore, unless you are prepared to put this inquisitive mind at ease.

**Hermione Granger**

**Hermione**

I know you intend well, but if I were a Death Eater, do you not think I would have more important things to do than to go around giving out advise to the students of this school? Wouldn't serving You-Know-Who take up more of my time?

And no, I am not prepared to give out my identity to a curious student I'm afraid. But do tell me what dear Professor Dumbledore thinks.

**Madame Vulture

* * *

**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

Have you any expertise in removing radish earrings from one's hair?

**Thankfully,**

**Luna Lovegood**

**Luna**

Try a good a good transfiguration charm and say, turn them into a tennis ball? A tennis ball should be perfectly simple to remove. And then, simply transfigure them back.

Glad to help,

**Madame Vulture**


	5. Wednesday

**NOTES: **Hope you like the latest chapter! Please Read & Review!

ENJOY!

* * *

**Wednesday**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

I am a bit concerned about the welfare of one of my closest friends, Terry Boot.

I know he has a bit of a reputation for being, well, a whore, but recently he's starting acting rather strangely. It's become rather obvious that sitting down is now very painful for him, and he was literally crying in agony when he mounted his broom the other evening. I hardly ever see him outside lessons anymore, as he's always busy, and he's started skipping lesson too.

It's obvious he's got himself a new boyfriend, I just don't want him to start throwing his grades away because of it. This morning, I even found Gryffindor Robes in our dormitory.

What should I do?

**A concerned friend,**

**Anthony Goldstein**

**Anthony,**

I think it's really important that you just tell Terry your concerns. Don't overload him or make it into a big thing, but just have a quiet word before it gets out of hand. And make sure you let him know that your not against him and that your always there to talk. And you are right in thinking that skipping lessons is wrong, because your sixth year is a very important one. You can still have a great relationship without breaking all the rules.

**Madame Vulture

* * *

**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

You'll never believe what happened at lunch yesterday! I was simply going to ask Harry whether he'd finished with the mashed potato when he turned around and punched me in the face! As if he hadn't done enough already! I don't even have to remind you about that 'Undying Love Spell' I tried to place on Draco Malfoy, when stupid arrogant Potter got in the way. Completely ruined the spell! It didn't work at all! It cost me 7 galleons as well!

But, when you think about it, this is all Parvati's fault. _She _was the one who asked me to pass the mashed potato. _She_ was the one who bought the 'Undying Love Spell Kit' in the first place, meaning I had to buy it too. _And_ she was the one who had a crush on Draco. I mean, if she hadn't of liked Draco, then I wouldn't have tried to seduce him, would I?

I can't believe how twisted she is! She's like some kind of criminal mastermind! There is absolutely NO way that I am ever talking to her again. Ever! Just who does she think she is!

**Your Biggest Fan,**

**Lavender Brown**

**Lavender**

If you really feel that your relationship with Parvati is the cause of all your problems, then, by all means, never talk to her again, or do whatever it is you feel you have to do to destroy the friendship. But have you tried talking to Parvati about how you feel? That way you might find yourself with an apology.

**Madame Vulture

* * *

**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

I need a bit of advice. You see, I'm an intelligent seventh year and so, naturally, I'm being asked a lot of questions about what I plan to do next year, or what I hope to achieve in the future and whether I would consider coming back to Hogwarts to teach. I always tell them I'm keeping my options open; a response that seems perfectly acceptable to everyone but my parents.

Now, my parents have never been particularly laid back, but they've never been as controlling as this before. My mother is a Healer at St.Mungo's and my father works in the Ministry, so both are really pushing me to follow in their successful footsteps. So how I earth do I tell them that all I really want to do is tour the country with my rock band?

We're a pretty successful group, and we've been together as a band for two years now, but we've all been close friends since our first year. We've played at the Three Broomsticks countless times, and had plenty of gigs during the summer in Muggle bars and pubs (though of course, I didn't tell my parents about this) and we're even scheduled to play at the Christmas Feast this year.

Music is really my passion, and as a group we've managed to churn out twenty amazing songs since August alone! I just really don't want to give it up, or even just do it in my spare time. So how do I tell my Mum and Dad that I wanna be a rockstar?

**Yours musically,**

**Cho Chang**

**Cho**

Oh, I am so glad you've written to me! I am such a fan! I've seen all your gigs at the Three Broomsticks and can't wait to see you there again on the 28th! I love all your songs, especially 'Don't Disapparate on Me' and 'Avada Kadavra My Heart'.

My personal opinion is that you are very musically talented and if music is your passion then great. You could always try it for a year and see how it goes. As for telling your parents, just remind them that at the end of the day, it's your choice and your life.

Maybe you could invite them to a gig to show them your talent?

**Your Biggest Fan,**

**Madame Vulture

* * *

**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

As it turns out, I really do rather miss that old source of all my problems, and I think it's beginning to show. I've become more irritable in class, and I've even begun to take it out on my colleagues. Please, please return it, I never wanted it to get this far. I never meant to hurt anybody, I just need it back!

I feel so lonely without the upbeat tunes bouncing around my cranium. My loneliness is killing me. But, I must confess, I still believe. When I'm not with you… - er, _it,_ - I loose my mind, give me a sign! Please, just send it back?

**Increasingly Desperate,**

**Minerva McGonagall**

**Minerva,**

Now, now, remember our deal? And this is for your own good. Your colleagues will understand and your students will forgive you, but the most important thing right now is to begin to function without it. All your going through now is withdrawals. But remember, you are stronger than that. You don't **need** this, you just crave it.

Rise above it!

I recommend a compelling, new hobby. Such as Scrabble or Monopoly.

**Good Luck & Best Wishes,**

**Madame Vulture

* * *

**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

Something strange is going on. Something very, very strange.

Remember how I told you that Draco Malfoy was either determined to kill me, or quite possibly go about life as normal, in order to make me _think _he wasn't trying to kill me? Well, now he's decided to confess his undying love for me in some sick, brilliant new way to end my existence.

It happened outside the dungeons today: I was making my way up the staircase with Ron and Hermione, discussing Terry Boot's sudden new hair style (it's black and untidy and surprisingly attractive) when Draco came up behind me, whilst I was unarmed, and tapped me on the shoulder. He told me he needed to talk to me. So we waited until the rest of the class filtered towards the Great Hall were food was being served, and then he turned to me; looked me straight in the eye, before doing something so horribly twisted I couldn't believe it: he started _crying. _Draco. _Crying._

He was weeping something about desires and arousal and I think Terry Boot came into it somewhere. But I definitely got what he said next. He turned to me, tears running down his face in a very unattractive manner and said to me, in a voice that did _not _make me want to shove my tongue down his throat, 'Harry, I love you.' At that point I think my jaw literally dropped. But only because of his confession, not because of this wholly non-attractive state.

So now what do I do?

I'm a very straight student who has never for a minute had any kind of lustful feelings towards Draco Malfoy! A student who has _not_ had a secret burning desire for his bare flesh ever since the first year.

So what should I tell him?

**Harry Potter**

**Harry,**

Are you sure you know how you really feel about Draco? Any feelings you have for him are your business and only yours so denial won't prove anything. Draco obviously feels very strongly towards you so if you do decide to tell him you don't feel anything for him, then make sure you let him down gently: devastated people can do desperate things, I've seen it.

But, please, don't be too hasty. Remember any decisions you make now don't have to reflect your entire future, but make sure you are being completely honest with yourself.

**Madame Vulture

* * *

**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

Congratulations on this charming new advise scheme!

**Yours Faithfully,**

**Albus Dumbledore**


	6. Thursday

**Thursday**

**NOTES: **Sorry this latest chapter has taken so long, the finale will be here soon and the identity of Madame Vulture shall be revealed!

ENJOY!

* * *

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

Something very strange has been going on lately…

I've started to notice some increasingly odd behavior in my fellow students. It started when Harry punched Lavender in the face, and now he keeps sneaking off to the Room of Requirement with Draco Malfoy. When I tried to tell Ron and Hermione about this, Ron started asking me odd questions about the clothes I wore and an apparently obvious desire of mine to be more 'free', whatever he meant by that; and Hermione starting quizzing me about you and asking whether I'd sign a petition or something to have your identity 'outed'. (I only signed out of fear - she was getting rather hysterical).

And it doesn't stop there – Terry Boot's appearance is changing more and more everyday – his hair is darker, longer and messier, he's gotten noticeably taller, he has a strange mark on his forehead and he seems to be becoming Harry's twin (except for his eyes, of course, he doesn't have Lily's eyes).

I've even seen Lavender following Parvati around the hallways. And as for Ginny, I've been meaning to talk to her about an encounter we shared the other evening but I can't find her, she seems to have disapparated all together.

And then, just this morning, Professor McGonagall spent ten minutes trying to teach us to sing some incantation named 'The Heart Will Go On'.

Is it just me? Is everyone under some kind of spell? Am I paranoid or is it some extravagant practical joke being played on me?

**Yours worryingly,**

**Neville Longbottom**

**Neville**

It's nothing to worry about, I'm sure everyone will be back to normal in no time at all. Perhaps ask a friend if they've noticed anything unusual to put your paranoid thoughts to rest.

**Madame Vulture

* * *

**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

Thanks for all the help, turns out I'm not gay, must just have been a phase – like you said.

**Thanks,**

**Seamus Finnigan**

**Seamus,**

Nice to know I could help. Remember, if you need me again, I'm here.

**Madame Vulture

* * *

**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

I tried.

I did. I really did try.

I tried Scrabble, I tried Monopoly, I even tried talking to Professor Trelawney to pass the time, but I can't. I just can't carry on.

I'm sorry, but I need it back.

I really did try.

**Very Desperately,**

**Minerva McGonagall**

**Minerva**

Please find enclosed, as promised, one musical object. Please do not apologize to me, Minerva, you were doing this for yourself, and only yourself.

I commend your efforts and remember, I'm still always here to help.

**Madame Vulture

* * *

**

**Dear Madame Vulture,**

It happened again last night, but this time was different. I was doing some homework late at night in the Common Room (I had spent all afternoon in my dormitory, not trusting myself around any of the male Gryffindors) when I was joined by Seamus Finnigan. I felt like rushing back up to my dormitory, but it became clear that rampant sex wasn't what Seamus was after. He looked hurt and confused and we ended up talking for a few hours by the fire.

He told me all about his confusion over his sexuality, the pressure he was feeling from the sixth year and his fears about the future.

He was so sweet, and I really felt for him, and, well, one thing led to another and it turns out he isn't gay. In fact, it didn't just feel like meaningless sex, it felt as though there was a real connection.

I think I've really fallen for him.

But how did I tell him? And what if he just used me to see if he was straight or not.

**Please Help,**

**Ginny Weasley**

**Ginny,**

If it turns out that Seamus did just use you, then maybe it'll make you think twice about your actions. If you really want to forge a relationship with the boy then you'll need to change your ways – you'll need to confess to the flings with Dean and the others so they'll be no surprises and you'll have to be kind and considerate of Seamus' feelings.

I suggest you talk to Seamus as soon as possible, alone and ask him how he feels about the situation. Don't leave it too late, or he may find someone else.

It's very probable that he's thinking along the same lines as you.

**Madame Vulture

* * *

**

**Dear Madame Vulture, **

Parvati is on to me. She knows that I know.

Today, she sat with me at lunch, she asked caring questions about my black eye AND she even suggested we look around the new Divination shop in Hogsmeade this weekend. In other words, she's been a kind friend. Does her evil know no bounds!

Of course, I played along with this act for today, there's no need to let her know that I know that she knows just yet. That's right, two can play at this game: if she wants to play nice, we'll play nice. I'll be the most caring, appreciative and loveliest friend she's ever had. That'll confuse her.

Lavender Brown isn't going out without a fight, Parvati!

**Your Biggest Fan,**

**Lavender Brown**

**Lavender,**

Well, I'm glad to hear you're taking the, err, high road. Being friends isn't easy but its how we deal with these problems that come between us that show how close we really are.

Why not give Parvati another chance? I think it would be for the best.

**Madame Vulture**


End file.
